Software Team Sociology: Giving Feedback (Part 1) - Why Getting Feedback Right Matters More Than You Think

Part 1 - this post

Why Getting Feedback Right Matters More Than You Think

Part 2

Feedback on People Skills

Part 3

Taking Your Time

hat Good Feedback Looks Like

Effective feedback should be:

Frequent and Timely
Balanced—containing both affirming and adjusting feedback
Specific—focused on behaviours that should be continued or changed

Is this what usually happens in the average work place?

No. Not even close.

More often, feedback is:

Delayed until the annual performance review—or not given at all
All praise or all criticism, rarely a useful mix
Vague and indirect
Delivered in frustration or anger, which obscures the message
Lacking any actionable advice on what to change or how to improve

Emotion First, Content Later

Anger especially gets in the way of effective feedback. My father used to say, "Never show anger unless you're no longer angry." And he was right. It's hard to both strike a serious tone and project the appropriate emotional weight unless you are in complete control.

People respond to the emotion in your message first. Only after they’ve processed that emotional tone can they absorb the content. So, if the emotion is hostility or disdain, defences are engaged, blame is shifted, responses are formulated, people go into "what am I going to say next" mode instead of "what did the other person just say" mode.

Douglas Stone & Sheila Heen Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen (authors of Thanks for the Feedback) offer a clear four-part structure:

1. Micro-Yes:

Start with a simple, respectful prompt that invites attention:
"Do you have a few minutes to talk about the presentation?"

2. Data Points:

Share specific, observable behaviours—what you saw or heard, not vague impressions.
Kim Scott, in Radical Candor, emphasises this too: avoid generalities and speak plainly. She calls it the “Directly Challenge” axis.

3. Impact:

Describe how the behaviour affected others or the outcome:
"When you cut off the client mid-sentence, it made them visibly frustrated and less engaged in the rest of the call."

4. Question:

End with an open question to encourage dialogue:
"How do you think we could approach that differently next time?"

Cost of Delayed Feedback

When feedback isn't given, poor behaviour or subpar performance continues unchecked.

In a company I am familiar with management decided to offer permanent positions to two probationary programmers even though they were unhappy with their performance. They did so because they thought that they did not have time to find and train new programmers. There was an important release coming up. There is always an important release coming up. Do I need to tell you that it did not turn out well?

Problems do not fix themselves. They compound.

Cost of Unconstructive Feedback

Worse than no feedback is feedback delivered poorly:

Stored up and unleashed in a single dump
Focused on personality rather than behaviour
Public, shaming, or emotionally charged

The consequences?

Productivity plummets
The recipient becomes defensive and dismissive
Hostility builds
People disengage and look for escape routes

I’ve seen it firsthand.

Some reactions I’ve witnessed to toxic feedback environments:

Taking recruiter calls during work hours
Mental health breakdowns
No-shows without explanation
Passive-aggressive sabotage—hidden insults in code
Starting side hustles on company time

In one case, things got so bad that the project manager told certain developers to stay home so they wouldn’t “contaminate” a new hire.

Summary: What to Remember

If you take away one idea, let it be this:

Give feedback early. Be specific. Be respectful. Support change.

Don’t wait. Don’t belittle. Don’t unload six months of grievances in one sitting.

When feedback is botched, people panic. They spiral. They shut down—or they retaliate. Some maliciously comply, working to rule.

If feedback and coaching don’t lead to change—and the behaviour clearly crosses the line—you must act. Letting problems fester only allows them to disrupt the team.

Once a working relationship breaks down, recovery becomes harder. Mediation turns into damage control. Trust erodes. Morale drops. Everyone pays.

Update:

Added more on over-utilisation and overall communication in the middle section. There was so much new material that I split it off to a new post. Then added another.

Also I have written more on an example of how not to respond to feedback.

Other Resources

Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well by Douglas Stone & Sheila Heen

Flips the script: it focuses on how to receive feedback, even when it’s poorly delivered, unfair, or unwanted. Essential reading for both givers and receivers.

Read the book.

WSheila Heen TED Talk.