Tuesday, February 6

Giving Feedback (Part 1) - Why Getting Feedback Right Matters More Than You Think

 Table of Contents

W

hat Good Feedback Looks Like


Effective feedback should be:
  • Frequent and Timely
  • Balanced—containing both affirming and adjusting feedback
  • Specific—focused on behaviours that should be continued or changed

Is this what usually happens in the average work place?

No. Not even close.

More often, feedback is: 
  • Delayed until the annual performance review—or not given at all
  • All praise or all criticism, rarely a useful mix
  • Vague and indirect
  • Delivered in frustration or anger, which obscures the message
  • Lacking any actionable advice on what to change or how to improve

Emotion First, Content Later

Anger especially gets in the way of effective feedback. My father used to say, "Never show anger unless you're no longer angry." And he was right. It's hard to both strike a serious tone and project the appropriate emotional weight unless you are in complete control.

People respond to the emotion in your message first. Only after they’ve processed that emotional tone can they absorb the content. So, if the emotion is hostility or disdain, defences are engaged, blame is shifted, responses are formulated, people go into "what am I going to say next" mode instead of "what did the other person just say" mode.

Douglas Stone & Sheila Heen Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen (authors of Thanks for the Feedback) offer a clear four-part structure:

  • 1. Micro-Yes:
    • Start with a simple, respectful prompt that invites attention:
      "Do you have a few minutes to talk about the presentation?"
  • 2. Data Points:
    • Share specific, observable behaviours—what you saw or heard, not vague impressions.
      Kim Scott, in Radical Candor, emphasises this too: avoid generalities and speak plainly. She calls it the “Directly Challenge” axis.  
  • 3. Impact:
    • Describe how the behaviour affected others or the outcome:
      "When you cut off the client mid-sentence, it made them visibly frustrated and less engaged in the rest of the call."
  • 4. Question:
    • End with an open question to encourage dialogue:
      "How do you think we could approach that differently next time?"


Cost of Delayed Feedback


When feedback isn't given, poor behaviour or subpar performance continues unchecked.

In a  company I am familiar with management decided to offer permanent positions to two probationary programmers even though they were unhappy with their performance. They did so because they thought that they did not have time to find and train new programmers. There was an important release coming up. There is always an important release coming up. Do I need to tell you that it did not turn out well?

Problems do not fix themselves. They compound.




Cost of Unconstructive Feedback

Worse than no feedback is feedback delivered poorly:

  • Stored up and unleashed in a single dump

  • Focused on personality rather than behaviour

  • Public, shaming, or emotionally charged

The consequences?

  • Productivity plummets

  • The recipient becomes defensive and dismissive

  • Hostility builds

  • People disengage and look for escape routes

I’ve seen it firsthand.

Some reactions I’ve witnessed to toxic feedback environments:

  • Taking recruiter calls during work hours

  • Mental health breakdowns

  • No-shows without explanation

  • Passive-aggressive sabotage—hidden insults in code

  • Starting side hustles on company time

In one case, things got so bad that the project manager told certain developers to stay home so they wouldn’t “contaminate” a new hire.



Summary
: What to Remember 

If you take away one idea, let it be this:

Give feedback early. Be specific. Be respectful. Support change.

Don’t wait. Don’t belittle. Don’t unload six months of grievances in one sitting.

When feedback is botched, people panic. They spiral. They shut down—or they retaliate. Some maliciously comply,  working to rule.

If feedback and coaching don’t lead to change—and the behaviour clearly crosses the line—you must act. Letting problems fester only allows them to disrupt the team.

Once a working relationship breaks down, recovery becomes harder. Mediation turns into damage control. Trust erodes. Morale drops. Everyone pays.

Update:

Added more on over-utilisation and overall communication in the middle section. There was so much new material that I split it off to a new postThen added another.

Also I have written more on an example of how not to respond to feedback.

Related Posts

Other Resources


Flips the script: it focuses on how to receive feedback, even when it’s poorly delivered, unfair, or unwanted. Essential reading for both givers and receivers.



 


Challenge directly while caring personally. For those who want to foster open, honest, and respectful feedback cultures.





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